According to modern scientists, most human adults aren't supposed to drink milk, because of the genome which produces lactase -- something about enzymes and being old and not being able to digest it and other buzzkills. That especially sucks, because ice cream is kind of the best.

So let’s say you want some ice cream but can’t have dairy. You probably saw that Ben & Jerry’s recently released four new non-dairy flavors, but B&J’s isn’t the only non-dairy frozen dessert in town. Between the major national grocery chains, roughly 10 companies combine to sell a whopping 60 flavors. Unfortunately, most of the flavors taste like they came out the wrong end of a cow.

But not all of them. In the interest of helping our dairy-free friends, we’ve cracked open the best pints to fill you in on the non-dairy ice cream that still actually tastes like ice cream. With most of them, we couldn’t even tell that we weren’t eating the real thing.

Ben & Jerry’s P.B. & Cookies

Base: Almond
Certifications: Dairy-free, Fair Trade, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Cream, nuts, vanilla
“What?” you say. “One thousand one hundred and sixty calories in a pint of vegan ice cream? Surely this is some mistake?” But it’s not. This high-calorie, non-dairy frozen dessert comes from the same company that will sell you 20 scoops of ice cream, four bananas, hot fudge, and something like 74 toppings in a plastic bucket under a trademarked name (the Vermonster). We contend that there isn’t a better non-dairy flavor than P.B. & Cookies on the market. It contains everything fans love about Ben & Jerry’s (creamy flavor, rich toppings, ampersands) without any of the dairy. Serve this to us in a blind tasting and we’d never know it was dairy-free.

NadaMoo! Cookies & Crème

Base: Coconut
Certifications: Dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Cream, vanilla, chocolate cookie
Our choice for second-best non-dairy frozen dessert on the market, NadaMoo! Cookies & Crème gives us hope for the future. For one day, when Earth gets visited by hostile aliens that demand intensely smooth, intensely creamy non-dairy ice cream with enough thick chunks of sweet chocolate cookie to satisfy their leader, known to the galaxy as the Cookie Connoisseur, we will present them with NadaMoo!, and they will be pleased. And there will be great rejoicing, and all manner of thing shall be well.

Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey

Base: Almond
Certifications: Dairy-free, Fair Trade, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Banana, cream, nuts
In the words of some junior wordsmith from Ben & Jerry’s marketing team, “The nuttiest chocolatey-chunkiest concoction-gone-bananas you’ll ever go ape for.” Yikes. Thankfully, this non-dairy version of the classic Ben & Jerry’s flavor is palatable enough that you’ll forgive the description. For people that love bananas and choose not to eat dairy, this is an absolute no-brainer.

Almond Dream Toffee Almond Fudge

Base: Almond
Certifications: Dairy-free, glutenfree, non-GMO, kosher
Tasting notes: Toffee, almond, chocolate
Lactose-intolerant British grandmothers everywhere, rejoice! Now you can get your daily ration of toffee in a delicious non-dairy frozen dessert. Is it weird that we picture British grandmothers eating toffee? Maybe. But can’t you see it? Their eyes alight, their hands pressed together at their chests, and they’re saying, “Oh Jonathan, thank you! You know how much I love toffee. Such a treat.” Whatever. This one is good.

Luna & Larry's Chocolate Hazelnut Fudge

Base: Coconut
Certifications: Dairy-free, soy-free, gluten-free, non-GMO, organic, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Coconut, chocolate, hazelnut
From the picture on the container, Luna and Larry might look like they came from a commune, but it was probably a commune that enjoyed some redankulous coconut-based ice cream. The Oregon couple 100% achieves the goal of creating a totally satisfying ice cream without the health and ecological impacts of dairy and soy. And with agave syrup extracted from something known as the Mexican Tree of Life and Abundance, how could they not? The final product is rich and creamy with a distinct coconut flavor and real bits of organic hazelnut in every bite.

So Delicious Turtle Trails

Base: Coconut
Certifications: Dairy-free, soy-free, gluten-free, non-GMO, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Vanilla, chocolate, salt
Gooey non-dairy caramel sauce. Chocolate-coated praline pecans. Real bits of sea turtle. For anyone who hates boring flavors, Turtle Trails is the way to go. The coconut-based vanilla ice cream goes great with the caramel sauce, and the chocolate praline pecans add some interesting crunch, not to mention a hint of salt (note: does not actually contain sea turtle).

So Delicious Peanut Butter Zig Zag

Base: Soy
Certifications: Dairy-free, gluten-free, non-GMO, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Soy, peanut butter, chocolate
You remember that Reese’s commercial from the ‘80s? Guy who looks like Fred from Scooby-Doo walks down the sidewalk holding an outsized chocolate bar. Girl who looks like Hermione from the Harry Potter movies walks the other way holding an open jar labeled “Peanut Butter.” They’re both listening to Walkmen. They collide. “Hey, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!” says Fred from Scooby-Doo. “You got chocolate in my peanut butter!” says Hermione. They look into each other's eyes, all wistful and dreamy, and each take a bite of peanut butter-covered chocolate. “Yum, delicious!” they say, at the same time. There is a lot of sexual tension. An old stranger who kinda looks like Mr. Rogers hands them each a packet of Reese’s. They’re stoked. They each take a bite and Hermione reaches for Fred’s crotch. Oh my gosh, you think. Are they about to get it on? But no -- she just turns up the Walkman clipped to his belt and they start dancing. You’re left feeling excited, breathless, and craving the perfect union of peanut butter and chocolate.

Staring at this soy-based non-dairy frozen dessert is a lot like watching that commercial.

Steve's Burnt Sugar Vanilla

Base: Coconut
Certifications: Dairy-free, soy-free, gluten-free, egg-free, non-GMO
Tasting notes: Cream, vanilla, caramel
Brooklyn-based Steve’s Ice Cream makes a variety of Brooklyn-sounding, dairy-rich flavors (Small Batch Bourbon Vanilla, Wildflower Honey Pistachio, Thai Peanut Butter Pretzel) but it also shows some love to the dairy-less -- again, with flavors that could only come from Brooklyn. We got our hands on Burnt Sugar Vanilla, which features rich, gooey veins of caramel-colored liquid sugar and tastes a lot like a mix between the caramel of a Twix and the vanilla ice cream inside an ice cream bar.

NadaMoo! Vanilla Cha-Cha-Chai

Base: Coconut
Certifications: Dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan, kosher
Tasting notes: Chai
Boom! It’s a chai-flavored, vanilla, non-dairy frozen dessert. Your move, ice cream.

Arctic Zero Vanilla Maple

Base: Water
Certifications: Dairy-free, gluten-free, nut-free, fat-free, non-GMO, kosher
Tasting notes: Water, vanilla, maple
So you want a sweet dessert but don’t want a thousand-calorie-per-pint mega-treat. That’s why Arctic Zero created a water-based non-dairy frozen dessert with only 150 calories per pint. This one, Vanilla Maple, adds a hint of maple sweetness to a vanilla-flavored base. We’ll be honest -- it’s not our favorite, but if you’re watching your waistline, it’s the best in a sea of low-calorie options.

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Kenny Gould is a Pittsburgh-based writer and journalist currently on his sixth day of brain freeze. Follow him on Twitter at @kb_gould and on his website at KennyGould.com.

A wise man (Gaylord Focker of Meet the Parents) once said you can milk anything with nipples, and while almonds may be lacking in that department (trust me -- I checked), apparently you can milk those too.

Whether you're vegan, lactose intolerant, or just pretentious, almond milk is the ultimate replacement for the popular dairy drink in everything from cereal to coffee. But all almond milks aren't created equal, even if they look the same. To help you make up your mind in a supermarket stocked with sometimes suspicious-looking options, I bought every one I could find and then drank them. Then felt kind of sick.

So without further ado, here's an official ranking of 11 brands of non-flavored almond milk.

11. Orgain organic protein almond milk

With '10x the protein!' of other brands, this is the ideal beverage for the lactose-intolerant gym bro -- or, say, anyone who's just hauled 10 cartons of almond milk two miles through Manhattan -- namely because it's essentially a watery protein shake masquerading as almond milk anyway. Basically, if Muscle Milk had a weird hippie cousin that hits the gym in jean cut-offs, it would be this chalky, beige beverage. Do you even almond milk, bro?

10. Imagine Foods Dream Ultimate almond beverage

If you're looking for a drink that you need to wash down with another drink, this is it. With a nearly eggnog-caliber viscosity, the super-thick, almost grainy liquid makes you question at first whether you're actually drinking almond milk or almond butter. It coats the inside of your mouth in much the same way it coats the inside of your glass, and is likely to result in an 'stache rivaling that which has decorated the faces of celebrities since the iconic 'Got Milk?' campaign debuted in 1993.

That being said, if you're not a celebrity, you should probably wipe your mouth.

9. Engine 2 Plant-Strong Almondmilk

If you think the term 'plant-strong' emblazoned across the carton of this almond milk isn't exactly evocative of a creamy, creamy, milkshake-like product, well, you're right. Part of the Engine 2 Diet product line and only available in unsweetened varieties (at least at your local Whole Foods), this is probably the healthiest and definitely the healthiest-tasting of the bunch.

And, yeah, healthy-tasting is kind of a euphemism for bland. But you can't have it both ways, I guess. #PLANTSTRONG

8. 365 Organic Almondmilk

One day, many moons ago -- or whenever this alt-milk craze began -- a Whole Foods exec said, 'Well, I guess we better make an almond milk,' and the 365 version was born. It's light, obviously organic, and pleasantly average. The general lack of actual almond taste means no flavor distractions, making it the ideal vehicle for whatever weird muesli you're at Whole Foods to purchase that particular day.

As a bonus, it rings in at around $2.19, meaning it's probably the cheapest item at Whole Foods.

7. Mand'Or organic almond milk

This one tastes almost suspiciously almond-y, like instead of using actual almonds Mand'Or-contracted thugs broke into a Starbucks and stole the flavored syrup being used for this season's beloved sorority-girl latte. It's almost sweet enough to serve as dessert on its own, which makes sense, considering the almonds' supporting cast includes twice the sugar and calories as many of the other brands. That's probably why it tastes this good.

Plus it's from Italy, which somehow makes it feel authentic for no real reason whatsoever.

6. Silk almond

If you're a fan of Silk's soy milk, this won't disappoint. With just enough almond flavor and an appropriately smooth texture -- OH, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SILK! -- this would be a good choice If I wanted to dump a bunch of something into my coffee… which I always do.

5. Trader Joe's Almondmilk

Decently creamy, subtly sweet -- all in all, it's a pretty quality almond milk, especially for one that's mass-produced by an (upscale?) chain supermarket. However, when you consider the fact that you're at Trader Joe's and could buy a bottle of Two Buck Chuck for roughly the same price, we won't fault you for opting for the latter instead. We're sure shiraz pairs beautifully with Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

4. Blue Diamond Almond Breeze

Like many other things you might sit down and sample 11 different kinds of (just me?), when it comes to almond milk, only the really good, the really bad, and the really weird stand out. Most of the others are pretty interchangeable. To that effect, Blue Diamond's take on the old AM is on the same level as TJ's and Silk, but scores bonus points for being a tad sweeter than the others… and mostly for having a cool name like Almond Breeeeeze. But maybe that's just the almond-milk goggles talking.

Also, I don't feel very good right now.

3. Pacific Foods organic almond

This was the first one I sampled, and it's likely the one I'll be buying from now on due to pure drinkability. The almond taste is recognizable without being overpowering, resulting in a beverage that's pleasant, versatile, and would probably do just as well in a cereal or smoothie as it would serving as the dairy component of a vegan mac & cheese or even, dare we say, in a White Russian?

BRB CHECKING ON SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

2. The New Barn Almondmilk

I was a little suspicious when I opened this one up to find a weird, white, hair conditioner-like goop on the rim of the bottle, but as an adventurous drinker -- and mostly someone who's too lazy to walk back to the store -- I shook it vigorously and hoped for the best.

Turns out, I should've hoped for the second best, because that's what it is. New Barn's milk is slightly sweet but without any weird aftertaste -- likely because it's sweetened with maple syrup -- and boasts a velvety thickness that could best be described as runny Go-Gurt (but, like, in a good way). Plus, due to the plastic packaging, it lacks the weird cardboard notes that plague some of its cartoned competition.

Just be sure to shake well.

1. Califia Farms Almondmilk

Can't quit the cow stuff? For those more interested in the milk than the almond, Califia is the most reminiscent of the dairy version. With the totally all-American, 2% thing it's got happening in terms of taste and texture, it's the ideal option to satisfy your milk-and-cookie cravings without succumbing to the dairy devil, and you can almost imagine a milkman dropping off a few bottles at your door (you know, if that were a thing that still actually happened).

While this would totally do the job and delightfully cream-ify your coffee, it's also worth noting that for those who are serious about their cups o' joe, the blue-ribbon brand also offers an alternate Barista Blend that makes for 'full-bodied foam and better latte art.'

My tastes, personally, haven't progressed that far.

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